The Difference Between Guilt and Shame - Why It Matters for Complex Trauma Healing and Recovery
- Views
- 248,771
- Likes
- 5,759
- Length
- 36:06
- Published
- Category
- Education
Tim Fletcher explains how trauma creates a shame-based identity, the difference between guilt and shame, and why healing requires accurate self-perception. He explores how distorted parental “mirrors” shape a child’s view of themselves, how shame affects adult relationships, and how healing involves self-awareness, connection, and self-compassion.
Watch the full lectures:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=-fTAJiocAYk
https://youtube.com/watch?v=jfhQ_3kQ2GM
Join the Foundations Community and Course Library: https://www.timfletcher.ca/foundations
We offer 4 different levels of resources, courses and programs for Complex Trauma Recovery, from introductory personal recovery to programs for professionals in the mental health space. Visit our website to explore all of our resources: https://www.timfletcher.ca/
🎧Watch or listen to the Time With Tim Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@TimeWithTimPodcast
────────────
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist; he is a counsellor in Canada and has worked with people with Complex Trauma and Addiction for decades. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.
#complextrauma #timfletcher #mentalhealth
0:00 The devastating core of shame
1:31 Understanding shame vs guilt
4:02 How guilt feeds shame
7:40 Identity formation and mirrors
10:50 The impact of distorted mirrors
13:54 Causes of shame in childhood
17:01 Subtle causes of shame
20:04 Shame-based parenting impacts
22:31 Strategies for healing shame
24:14 Cognitive and emotional change
27:38 Accepting the healing journey
30:02 Forgiveness and self-compassion
31:54 Healthy connections and boundaries
32:56 True humility as a cure
Watch the full lectures:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=-fTAJiocAYk
https://youtube.com/watch?v=jfhQ_3kQ2GM
Join the Foundations Community and Course Library: https://www.timfletcher.ca/foundations
We offer 4 different levels of resources, courses and programs for Complex Trauma Recovery, from introductory personal recovery to programs for professionals in the mental health space. Visit our website to explore all of our resources: https://www.timfletcher.ca/
🎧Watch or listen to the Time With Tim Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@TimeWithTimPodcast
────────────
Tim Fletcher is not a doctor or licensed therapist; he is a counsellor in Canada and has worked with people with Complex Trauma and Addiction for decades. Tim’s videos are for informational purposes only to provide understanding, learning, and awareness about complex trauma. No information published here can replace professional evaluation, diagnosis, or treatment.
#complextrauma #timfletcher #mentalhealth
0:00 The devastating core of shame
1:31 Understanding shame vs guilt
4:02 How guilt feeds shame
7:40 Identity formation and mirrors
10:50 The impact of distorted mirrors
13:54 Causes of shame in childhood
17:01 Subtle causes of shame
20:04 Shame-based parenting impacts
22:31 Strategies for healing shame
24:14 Cognitive and emotional change
27:38 Accepting the healing journey
30:02 Forgiveness and self-compassion
31:54 Healthy connections and boundaries
32:56 True humility as a cure
@lilbunnygusmamma
This video explained my entire childhood. Still picking up the pieces.
197 likes
@ruthisrael6447
@18:02 - Comments like, “How come you got a B? You’re an A-student," might sound harmless, but they created intense pressure for me growing up. I learned to associate my worth with perfection and production, and felt devastated by any mistake or critical feedback. I was expected to master everything effortlessly, simply because I was “the gifted little girl.” In reality, school is a construct, and I'm starting to see that the truth of life has patience, ease, and doesn't ask for perfection. Thank you, Tim, for shedding light on the deep emotional impact of these patterns and helping us understand the roots of complex trauma.
74 likes
@peterh.1521
Many parents should take notes. Don't create a negative identity in children, it will be a lifelong burden.
374 likes
@louisemcdougall9389
It's not because tge child does bad things. The child feels ashamed because they are being abused. They are ashamed because they are helpless and powerless and cannot do anything about it.
104 likes
@ChosenNarc
Trauma blurs the line until every mistake feels like a flaw in the soul.
161 likes
@SquigglesFluffystuff
Truama in adulthood is hard too. Healing from a broken shattered leg, no job, failed school ultimately because of it, being a custodial parent through all of it. I'm feeling a lot of shame now and guilt that I'm letting them down. It's been one complex issue after another. Maybe it's time for me to go get help. I just don't know where to turn. I already feel so much pressure in all the directions I need to go. I really feel stuck and I can't let my kids down like this.
29 likes
@viniciusmoura9105
I have both. The shame I’ve learned to feel in my childhood led me to make many mistakes in my relationships and professional life as an adult. So now I feel guilt and I’m ashamed of myself.
2 likes
@OneOneTwoFiveSixSeven
Tim Fletcher is a hero bringing powerful and free therapy to everyone in the world.
83 likes
@RoamingWisteria
if i even made a mistake like spilling milk it’s “why can’t you do anything right?” “what’s wrong with you?” “all you do is fuck up” “you’re so dumb and annoying” from a very young age. i was told i needed to know how to brush my teeth and hair on my own at age 5. i got lice because nobody took care of me. i was left outside over night sometimes. the school system ignored my home life because she “seemed” fine
9 likes
@ghostinthemachine-72
This should all be taught to us as children in schools ,so we can break the cycles that cause so much destruction
4 likes
@Alexandra-Cal
That was very helpful. I cannot easily identify what's coming from guilt, shame or false guilt. It's a very confusing topic in my life. Thank you.
43 likes
@Haven4YU
I've been on a healing journey for many, many years. Self-compassion is what I work on most frequently. If I show up for me (kindness, patience, acceptance) than what others might say to me really has no effect, because I show up for me, first. So, for me practicing self-compassion is at the heart of the healing work.
Lots of really great posts on here! I'm there with you on your journey.
21 likes
@IntuitiveByDefault777
The deeper I get into healing complex trauma, the closer I'm getting towards the origin of my toxic shame which is my childhood. It's so interesting how the brain keeps a record of those memories somewhere and then after decades of healing you discover them. When I was younger I had no access to people like Tim or could afford therapy, mental health was a big taboo in the culture that I grew up in. I've done a lot of healing since my mid thirties and I'm holding on to hope to not give up on my journey especially on the hard days. Reading the community comments reminds me that I'm not alone and so many of us are doing this work as cycle breakers.
1 likes
@ClayIW
Wow... You're kidding me?... Why am I just now hearing about this? Almost 45 yo and I am struggling with shame. Years of therapy, and this automatically plays, and is the one thing I am unknowingly struggling with!!! Thank you for making this available.
1 likes
@OracleJadeNoa
This helps me understand how shame has shaped my brain, my self image and my relationships. I have more self awareness now about shame. He mentioned so many variables that I experienced. ❤
8 likes
@sabrinagaga518
There are an endless number of self help videos on the internet but this one is VERY special. Thank you so much for bringing that much clarity on this important topic.
84 likes
@brain0nfire
The problem with this is that you can't change the past. And the present is where it is because of the past. Shame never goes away because of it. The only way is to have the past rewritten by some new facts or interpretation.
4 likes
@RoamingWisteria
apparently because i was born, i ruined my mother’s life and her chance at having a good life at all- in fact she told me i didn’t deserve to live- and that she wished i would kill myself so she could just live a normal life. being happy, loving, kind- being in good energy was always met with abuse of being belittled for being that way. i was told it was weak + stupid. when i’d take care of myself, she’d belittle me + make me feel under a spotlight. even if i played music in my room, she’d mention something about the lyrics. she had me to have a companion. once i started being unique + myself- it all went wrong. on top of that, she blamed me for her being an addict when she was an addict before she had me- that’s why she chose to have me with a guy she barely dated + got into drugs. i still struggle with feeling sorry + angry for my existence. i feel horribly bad for being here. i know i shouldn’t feel that way.
2 likes
@marinagruen5290
I would argue that shame causes trauma responses much of the time, and then itnis a loop.
4 likes